The last three years have taken us down paths we never could've predicted and far from where we'd planned. I went back to school. I have learned and grown in directions I couldn't have imagined two years ago. Ethan has expanded his artistic ventures, creating scores for real commercials, being asked to play music with other gifted musicians. I am constantly amazed by his talent. It is awe-inspiring. We have experienced so much in these last three years. A family member moved into and out of our home. We've said goodbye to friends as they've continued their journeys elsewhere. We've lost loved ones, both suddenly and expectedly, learning what it means to mourn together. We have celebrated at weddings and grieved through divorces of the people we love. We have spent late nights writing papers and creating music. We have laughed. We have cried. We have fought. We have forgiven. We have loved. And loved. And loved.
I am not arrogant enough to think that three years of marriage makes me an authority on the matter. I don't know that any amount of time will ever make me an authority on it -- isn't it so different for everyone? And doesn't it continue to evolve through the years? I was recently asked about marriage by someone who is skeptical of the entire institution; what were my thoughts on the concept, she wondered. My response was that, while the physical aspect of a relationship cannot be ignored or belittled, I know Ethan is right for me because he truly knows me and he chooses to love me. I can be myself with him. My true, authentic self. My flaws, my insecurities, my opinions, my voice -- these things are laid bare for him and he is not afraid, he does not run away. He stays and he chooses to love me. He wakes up every single morning and he chooses to love me. And I, him.
Before falling asleep each night, Ethan says to me, "Goodnight. I love you. Wake me up if you need me." These words are simple. They are obvious. It seems evident that sharing a space with a human means that, in some way, they are there (even if it's only a physical 'there') if you need them. Yet these words comfort me. They allow me to sleep more easily. What's even better is that he means it. Even when it's three o'clock in the morning and I wake him up, in tears, because I am experiencing unbearable pain from a sinus infection taking root in my jaw. He is there. Googling remedies and comforting me. Even when he is tired, he is there. Even when he has to get up in three hours, he is there. He is there. I hope to never take that for granted.
I have a note hanging over my desk that Ethan wrote to me when we were still dating. It is a list of short sentences beginning with "You are," and ending with various descriptors of who I am in his eyes. Three of them are my favorite: "You are smart," "You are strong," and "You are passionate." While I enjoy being told I am beautiful, I much prefer to be told that my mind, my thoughts are valued. Don't be mistaken. Ethan tells me daily that I am beautiful, that I look good in the clothes I put on my body. More often, though, he tells me that I am intelligent, that my thoughts matter, that what I have to say is important. In a world that values the vapid virtues of size 2 jeans and perfectly ombre-d beachy waves, my partner finds sexy the content held within my mind and the passions held within my heart. He assures me that I am more than my physical presence. That I am enough.
So today, and everyday, while I am thankful for our home, for our jobs, for the modest life we are weaving together, I am infinitely more thankful for the love we share. Ethan, you are kind. You are generous. You are talented. You are intelligent. You are really, really, ridiculously good looking. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for cooking all the best foods. Thank you for supporting me. Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for loving the people I love, for treating my family like your own. I love you, and I always will. The last three years have been a beautiful journey and I can't wait to see what the next three hold. And the next three. And the next three...
