Many things in the news recently have brought me feelings of frustration, anger, disgust, etc, etc, etc. At the same time, many have brought me great joy, hope, and a sense of relief. While there are many things happening that I'd like to comment on, there is one thing in particular that has been bothering me for the last few days.
In recent weeks, I have seen a number of social media posts questioning the validity of Caitlyn Jenner's identity as a woman. These posts have argued that, because Caitlyn has never experienced the pain of menstruation, the loss of a miscarriage, the joy of pregnancy, or the struggle of menopause, she couldn't possibly be a real woman. That because Caitlyn has never known the fear of sexual assault when broken down on the side of the road, she couldn't possibly be a real woman. That because Caitlyn's life has looked different from their own, she couldn't possibly be a real woman. That Caitlyn Jenner's identity as a woman must be tied up in being a wife, a mother, a victim of biology and sexism.
I call bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.
Some women don't menstruate because they have medical conditions that prevent their body from carrying out the process. Some women don't menstruate simply because their birth control stops the cycle. Some women have complete hysterectomies, causing them to cease menstruation. Some women cannot carry and birth their own children, so they choose to adopt. I have never been - and plan to never be - pregnant. In turn, I will never experience a miscarriage. I do not - and will not - know the joy of carrying and birthing a child or the grief of losing one. Am I less of a woman because I will not carry or birth or lose a child? Is my friend less of a woman because her body cannot menstruate? Is my aunt less of a woman because my cousin is adopted? Are we not real women because we haven't experienced these quintessential facets of womanhood? Hell no.
First, I will say this. How dare we take possession of Caitlyn's identity or her life experiences. How dare we make assumptions about who she is based on the small window into her world that fame has provided us. As the biological parent to six children, can we definitively say that she has never experienced the joy of parenthood or the loss of a miscarriage, simply because it doesn't neatly fit into the box of emotion we have prescribed for it? Do we discount the intensity of the emotions felt by fathers simply because they do not physically birth - or miscarry - their child? By this logic, adoptive mothers aren't real women either, right? Or, at least, they aren't real mothers. I cannot wrap my mind around such profound ignorance. I don't even want to try.
Next, I will say this. Perhaps Caitlyn doesn't truly know what it's like to get stranded on the side of the road and hope that a man stopping to help has ill intentions. To that I say - good. No one should know what that's like. I imagine that being the world's best athlete has some benefits in that realm. But you know what Caitlyn has survived? The struggle of growing up in a body that doesn't feel like her own. A body that has never felt like it belonged to her. Did you know that over 40% of transgender youths attempt suicide? Over 40% of transgender youths believe it would be easier to end their lives than to continue to live in a world that discounts and questions the validity of their existence. Let that sink in. Over 40%. That is astounding. It is horrifying. It is a damned shame. Not only did Caitlyn not become a statistic in this regard, she experienced this struggle as the public image of masculinity. She had an inner conflict, the likes of which many of us will never understand, while being praised and defined by the very body that held her captive for six decades.
In my 25 years, I have never found my identity as a woman in the functionality of my uterus. I have never found my worth in my ability to menstruate or carry a child. Being a woman isn't defined by what you push out of your body. Being a woman isn't defined by your body's ability to shed the lining of your uterus (I'm troubled that I even have to write this sentence). Being a woman isn't defined by being a victim, by being afraid, by being vulnerable. Being a woman isn't defined by breasts. It isn't defined by hair. It isn't defined by curves. It isn't defined by the number of surgeries and injections you have elected to undergo.
If society's idea of womanhood is intertwined with midcentury ideals of marriage, motherhood, and menstruation, please count me out. I want absolutely no part of that club. If Caitlyn's idea of womanhood is rooted in courage, strength, and the ability to gracefully withstand intense and unwarranted scrutiny, pick me for that team any day. I don't admire Caitlyn because of how her body looks in a dress (although, she looks damn good). I admire Caitlyn because she has the courage to be unashamedly her. She has the courage to be exactly who she is... how many of us can say the same?
So Caitlyn, as a heterosexual, married woman with a fully functional reproductive system, I welcome you. To be quite frank, your biology is your business and I make it no concern of mine. If you say you are a woman, you are a woman. I don't need to ask questions. I am also sorry. I am sorry that in thousands of years on earth, women (humans, really) have still not learned how to 'live and let live,' if you will. We have still not learned how to love and accept one another, even when we don't fully understand one another. We have still not learned that embracing diversity breeds strength and character. We have still not learned.
In case you all missed the classic tale with the sweet little bunny, "If you don't have anything nice to say, kindly shut the hell up."
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